We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
