The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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