Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is wine microwaveable?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
