no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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