So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
