Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
