When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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