I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
