I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
