Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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