I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
