My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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