How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
