I faked an abortion last night.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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