Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize