I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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