Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
