I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
