Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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