and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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