she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
