I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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