420 ftw
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
