You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
