After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
