eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
