I have demons in me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What a dumb baby whore.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
