Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
