Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
