i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
