There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
