i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
