you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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