Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
