so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
false alarm, still single
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
