So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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