I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize