You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
