I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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