God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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