No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
