i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
