My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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