Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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