I'm eating all of the evidence.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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