She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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