I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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