Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize