I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
