News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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