I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Randomize
