I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
