Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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