well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's shark week go big or go home
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
