she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you had me at cake vodka
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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