I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
