Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
