Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
