I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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