My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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