he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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