yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
