I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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