Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
